Vegan Company Unveils Spoilable Plant-Based Meat So Everyone Can Experience Food Poisoning
- Sal Monella
- Feb 10
- 2 min read
Updated: Feb 11
By Sal Monella
HOUSTON — In a groundbreaking move for plant-based cuisine, vegan food startup SimuSick™ has announced a revolutionary line of plant-based meats designed to rot, spoil, and make you violently ill—just like the real thing.
“For too long, vegans have been denied the full carnivore experience,” said SimuSick™ CEO Terry Aki, during a press event. “We’re proud to finally bridge the gap, giving plant-based eaters the chance to gamble with their digestive health—just like meat lovers have for centuries.”
Bringing the “Danger” to Fake Meat
The new line, called “Gone Bad™”, includes classic options like Putrid Patties, Expired Brats, and Funky Filets—all carefully formulated to develop an authentic foul odor, slimy texture, and unsettling green hue over time. Just like real meat, SimuSick™ products promise to turn your fridge into a ticking time bomb of regret.
“Our scientists worked tirelessly to mimic the exact bacteria, rancid smells, and slippery textures of spoiled animal meat,” said lead food scientist Mo L. Dosis. “With Gone Bad™, you’ll question your life choices every time you take a bite.”
A Revolutionary Bacteria-Free Bacteria Experience
To achieve realistic food poisoning without using actual animal bacteria, SimuSick™ developed FermaPhage™, a proprietary blend of yeast, fungi, and gut-disturbing microbes. The goal? Make plant-based eaters feel just as queasy, sweaty, and regretful as their meat-eating counterparts.
Beta testers reported 24 to 48 hours of nausea, chills, and existential dread, finally giving vegans the opportunity to say, “I think it was the burger”, just like their omnivore friends.
Meat Lovers Are Furious
Predictably, the launch of Gone Bad™ has ruffled some carnivorous feathers. Meat industry advocates claim this product could “steal the essence” of real meat culture.
“This is appropriation,” said local BBQ pitmaster Chuck Ribbs. “Suffering through questionable brisket and praying it wasn’t left out too long is our tradition. Vegans shouldn’t get to experience the joy of wondering if they’ll wake up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps.”
But SimuSick™ stands firm, stating that their product is about “inclusivity” and allowing all diets to share the universal experience of gastric distress.
Coming Soon: Mystery Expiry
For those who prefer a more Russian roulette dining experience, SimuSick™ plans to release “Mystery Expiry™,” a plant-based meal kit where the expiration date is intentionally smudged, leaving consumers to guess whether it’s still safe to eat.
“This is about pushing boundaries,” said Aki. “We believe that no one should be excluded from the timeless experience of questionable food safety and last-minute bathroom sprints.”
Final Thoughts
SimuSick™’s Gone Bad™ line hits grocery stores next month, just in time for BBQ season. For those eager to try the thrill of fake meat poisoning, preorders are now available—no refunds, no guarantees.
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