TxDOT Announces Bold Plan to Solve Houston Traffic in Just 192 Years

By Grid Lockington, Houston Throb Traffic Analyst

HOUSTON, TX — In a shocking display of optimism, the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) announced today that Houston’s notorious traffic issues will be resolved within the next 192 years—give or take a decade.

“This is a huge step forward for Houston,” said TxDOT spokesperson Lane Marker during a press conference held in the middle of a stalled I-45. “With our comprehensive strategy of endless construction projects, confusing detours, and inexplicably placed traffic cones, we’re confident the city’s traffic flow will be buttery smooth by the year 2217.”

The announcement was met with mild applause and honking, though it was unclear if the honks were celebratory or just another case of Houstonian road rage.

The Grand Plan: Slow and Steady Wins the Race

The 192-year plan, nicknamed “Operation Infinite Gridlock,” involves a series of staggered projects designed to eventually fix Houston’s highways.

“It’s a long-term vision,” Marker explained. “We’ll start by expanding lanes on major highways, which will temporarily reduce congestion before it magically reappears. Then we’ll launch construction projects on top of construction projects. This level of complexity guarantees we stay on schedule—our schedule being ‘eternity.’”

Among the bold initiatives is the Loop-to-Loop Labyrinth, a plan to add five more loops around Houston for a total of seven concentric circles. “You won’t know if you’re driving to Katy or stuck in a modern art exhibit,” Marker said.

Also included: Exit Roulette, a program that will randomly close highway exits without warning to “keep drivers on their toes.”

Experts Weigh In

Transportation experts are split on the feasibility of the plan. Dr. Miles Detour, professor of Urban Chaos Engineering at the University of Houston, is cautiously optimistic.

“If you look at the history of Houston’s traffic, it’s basically a game of Tetris played by someone who’s asleep,” Detour said. “This 192-year plan could finally give us a solution—assuming cars still exist by then and we haven’t all switched to teleportation.”

Critics, however, remain skeptical. “Houston’s traffic isn’t just a problem—it’s a lifestyle,” said local traffic historian U. Turnerson. “TxDOT’s plan sounds like a science-fiction novel written by someone who’s never been stuck on 610 at 5 p.m.”

A Brighter Future (Eventually)

Despite the skepticism, TxDOT insists that the future is bright. “By 2217, we anticipate Houston’s highways will be a marvel of efficiency,” Marker said, before adding, “assuming self-driving cars don’t turn on us by then.”

When asked why the timeline is so long, Marker was quick to defend the plan. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Houston traffic won’t be solved in a century. These things take time. And let’s not forget the fun part—construction projects create jobs and endless opportunities for drivers to practice patience!”

Houston Reacts

Reactions from Houstonians have been mixed, with most responses ranging from sarcastic laughter to resigned sighs. “192 years? That’s fine. My great-great-grandchildren can deal with it,” said local driver Stephanie Brake.

Meanwhile, construction worker Doug Pothole sees the bright side. “At least my grandkids will have guaranteed jobs. The family tradition of holding a ‘slow down’ sign lives on!”

In the Meantime

For now, TxDOT recommends Houstonians prepare for the long haul by keeping plenty of snacks, audiobooks, and existential crises on hand for their daily commutes. “Traffic is an experience,” Marker said with a smile. “It’s where you bond with strangers, contemplate life, and scream into the void.”

So, mark your calendars for 2217, Houston. If TxDOT’s predictions hold true, the traffic will finally clear up—just in time for flying cars to create a whole new mess. Until then, buckle up, stay in your lane, and try to enjoy the ride.

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