Tesla Update: Only Christians Can Drive—Everyone Else Should Buy a Ford

By Kirk P. Confession, The Daily Throb

HOUSTON—In a move that has left Tesla owners stunned, the latest software update prevents the cars from starting unless drivers confirm they “worship the Christian God.”

The update, known as Firmware 10:16, was pushed overnight, locking out thousands of users who failed the faith test. Upon entering the vehicle, the infotainment screen displays two options:

1. “I worship the Christian God”—which starts the car as normal.

2. “I refuse”—which immediately triggers a shutdown sequence, during which a robotic Elon Musk reads The Lord’s Prayer while playing a MIDI version of “Amazing Grace.”

“Drive With Jesus, or Drive a Chevy”

Tesla has not officially responded to the controversy, but Elon Musk posted a tweet this morning:

“Faith moves mountains. And Teslas. Everyone else can drive a Ford.”

Sources inside Tesla confirm that Musk sees non-Christian faiths as “not his target market” and has recommended that all affected customers “just buy a Silverado or something.”

“I’m a Tesla shareholder and a practicing Hindu,” said Raj Patel, who was locked out of his Model S this morning. “I called customer service, and they told me, ‘Tesla is a faith-driven company, and our faith drives Teslas.’ Then they sent me a discount code for a Ford Escape.”

Theological Autopilot

The update has introduced faith-based driving restrictions as well:

• Muslims can still use their Teslas, but only in manual mode and without access to Autopilot.

• Jewish owners can start the car six days a week but are locked out from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday.

• Atheists must complete a 12-hour debate with Ben Shapiro before unlocking the steering wheel.

Meanwhile, Ford and Chevy dealerships have seen a sudden surge in sales, as religiously unaffiliated drivers ditch Tesla in favor of less judgmental vehicles.

“I traded my Model 3 for a used F-150,” said David Nguyen, a Buddhist. “At least Ford doesn’t ask me to convert before I hit the gas.”

What’s Next?

Legal experts warn that Tesla’s faith-based ignition lock could lead to lawsuits, but Musk doesn’t seem concerned.

“Look,” Musk tweeted later in the day, “Tesla is a Christian company now. If you don’t like it, get a Chevy.”

For now, non-Christian Tesla owners face three choices: convert, call an Uber, or enjoy their new life as a Ford driver.

DISCLAIMER:

This is a satirical article, meaning this is not actually happening—yet. While Tesla has not implemented a religious test for its vehicles (as far as we know), the idea of one religion holding exclusive power over technology, government, or society should concern everyone. The fact that this story even feels plausible speaks volumes about the current state of affairs. Freedom of religion also means freedom from religious control, and history has shown that when any single belief system gains unchecked power, the results are rarely good for those who disagree.

Stay vigilant. Today, it’s a fake story about Teslas. Tomorrow, it could be real.