Real Estate Agent Begs Homeowner to Stop Living Like a Goblin Before Listing House
- Jacob Howard
- Feb 2
- 3 min read
By Buck Rivers
Local real estate agent Kelly Dawson is considering a career change—possibly something less stressful, like lion taming—after yet another client insisted their home was “ready to sell” despite looking like a crime scene from a documentary called Why No One Bought This House.
“I told them to make the place look inviting,” Dawson sighed. “They threw a Yankee Candle on a pile of unfolded laundry and called it a day. If laziness was a design aesthetic, they’d have a feature in Architectural Digest.”
Since sellers refuse to listen, Dawson has put together a step-by-step guide for anyone hoping to sell their home without sending potential buyers running for the hills.
Step 1: Pretend You Don’t Live Here
When buyers walk into your house, they want to picture themselves living there—not you, your collection of Funko Pops, or the pile of Amazon boxes you’ve refused to break down since 2022.
“Take down all personal photos, especially the ones where you’re awkwardly posing in a cowboy hat,” Dawson said. “No one’s buying the house because of your weird trip to Montana.”
Also, yes, this means removing the Live, Laugh, Love signs. “We get it, Karen. You live. You laugh. You love. But your buyers just want to leave.”
Step 2: Clean Like Your Mother-in-Law Is Coming Over
Nothing says “Don’t buy this house” like a countertop covered in toast crumbs, a bathroom sink full of old toothpaste, or a fridge that smells like a chemistry experiment gone wrong.
“If your oven hasn’t been cleaned since the Obama administration, it’s time,” Dawson advised. “Buyers don’t want to know what your cooking mistakes look like baked onto the racks.”
And for the love of all things holy—clean the baseboards. Yes, they exist. Yes, people notice. Yes, they’re currently covered in a layer of dust thick enough to be carbon dated.
Step 3: Neutral Colors, Not Serial Killer Vibes
The goal is to make the house look like it belongs in a magazine—not in an episode of American Horror Story.
“If you painted your walls ‘Vibrant Blood Orange’ because you ‘just love color,’ congratulations, but it’s gotta go,” Dawson said. “Also, I’m begging you, take down the doll collection. No one wants to feel like they’re being watched while touring a home.”
Step 4: Smell Matters—Don’t Assault Buyers’ Noses
Buyers don’t want to smell last night’s fish dinner, your emotional support candles, or whatever mysterious odor has taken permanent residence in the guest room.
“Stop trying to fix bad smells with more smells,” Dawson warned. “If your solution to ‘wet dog and old socks’ is spraying Lemon Breeze until people pass out, you’re not solving the problem—you’re creating a biohazard.”
Step 5: Fix the Stuff You’ve Been Ignoring for Years
Look, we all have that one doorknob that falls off when you touch it. The difference is you’re trying to sell your house.
“If the front door has to be jiggled a special way while whispering an incantation, it’s time for a new doorknob,” Dawson said. “And I promise buyers will notice that single missing tile in the shower, even if you ‘just put a bathmat over it.’”
Pro tip: If it’s broken, leaking, falling apart, or looks like it survived an exorcism, fix it.
Final Step: Leave. Seriously, Get Out.
Under no circumstances should you be home during a showing. Buyers don’t want to walk through your house while you lurk in the corner like a Victorian ghost.
“I once had a seller sit on the couch eating a full rack of ribs while we toured the house,” Dawson said. “Sir. Sir. No one wants to negotiate with someone covered in barbecue sauce.”
At the end of the day, Dawson insists she just wants sellers to succeed. “I want to get you top dollar,” she said. “But if I have to explain one more time why leaving dirty dishes in the sink is a bad look, I might just quit and start selling igloos in Texas.”
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