Californians Steal Jobs, Raise Property Values, and Enrich Texas—Texans Outraged at Influx of Respect and Understanding

By Lonestar Snark, Cultural and Economic Satirist

AUSTIN, TX – In a development that has Texans clutching their cowboy hats, Californians are flocking to the Lone Star State in record numbers, stealing jobs, inflating home prices, and—worst of all—bringing their West Coast sense of respect, tolerance, and quinoa with them. The trend, dubbed “Californiafication,” has sparked outrage among locals, who insist their beloved Texas is under attack by latte-sipping techies and Prius-driving idealists.

“They’re ruining everything,” said Dale Winters, a lifelong Texan and self-proclaimed protector of “authentic Texas culture.” Winters recently sold his modest bungalow in Austin for $1.5 million to a couple from Palo Alto who paid cash. “Sure, I’m rich now, but at what cost? My neighbors compost and say things like ‘Let’s unpack this.’ It’s like I’m living in a Whole Foods parking lot.”

The Job Heist

Californians have allegedly been “stealing” jobs in Texas by moving to cities like Austin, Dallas, and Houston, bringing with them tech startups, investment capital, and progressive work cultures. “These people show up with their fancy degrees, offering six-figure salaries and benefits like paid parental leave,” complained Winters. “It’s disgusting. My cousin hasn’t worked since 1998, and now he’s supposed to compete with someone who knows how to code and use pronouns? No thanks.”

Local business owners have also chimed in, expressing frustration at the influx of innovation. “I’ve been running my BBQ joint the same way for 30 years,” said Hank “Brisket King” Johnson. “Now, some guy named Skyler wants to invest in my restaurant, ‘streamline my operations,’ and put tofu on the menu. This ain’t the Silicon Prairie, buddy. It’s Texas.”

Housing Crisis or Housing Jackpot?

Texans are equally furious about skyrocketing home prices, which many blame on California newcomers. In cities like Austin, home values have tripled in some neighborhoods, forcing locals to make the painful choice between selling out for millions or holding on to their “Texas pride.”

“It’s a tragedy,” said Karen Simmons, who reluctantly accepted $3 million for her 800-square-foot home in East Austin. “Sure, I could buy a mansion in Waco now, but I’d rather live in my overpriced shoebox and complain about Californians. It’s the principle.”

The “Don’t California My Texas” Movement

Texans have rallied against the invasion with the popular slogan “Don’t California My Texas,” which can now be seen on bumper stickers, T-shirts, and even custom AR-15s. Ironically, many of these products are manufactured in California, a detail conveniently ignored by the movement’s supporters.

“They come here with their kale and their electric cars, acting all polite,” said Winters. “We don’t need their respect and understanding. This is Texas—we’re about independence, not empathy.”

The California Defense

Despite the backlash, Californians argue they’re only enriching Texas. “We’re bringing jobs, culture, and money to a state that has plenty of space but not much infrastructure,” said Skyler Anderson, a tech entrepreneur who moved to Austin last year. “And honestly, the BBQ here is amazing. We’re just trying to help make it accessible for vegans.”

This suggestion was met with audible gasps at a recent town hall meeting, where a local shouted, “Vegans? In Texas? Next thing you’ll tell me, you want to teach our kids yoga instead of football!”

A Delicious Irony

While Texans rail against the influx of Californians, they conveniently overlook the irony: the same people they blame for ruining their state are also enriching it. “They bring jobs, they buy our overpriced homes, and they tip well,” admitted Johnson, begrudgingly. “But I still hate them. It’s my right as a Texan to dislike anyone who doesn’t wear boots to church.”

The Lone Star Dilemma

As the great California migration continues, Texans are left grappling with a paradox: Do they accept the prosperity and modernity Californians bring, or do they cling to their identity as rugged, independent cowboys who don’t need anyone?

For now, many are choosing the latter, even as they sip oat milk lattes from a Tesla-friendly drive-thru. After all, nothing says “Texan pride” like profiting off Californians while complaining about them.

As Winters put it, “They may be making us richer, but at what cost? If my grandson starts recycling, I’ll know it’s over.”

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