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THE HOUSTON THROB


Self-Service and Self-Checkout at Hospitals: Because Who Needs Doctors Anyway?
By Paige Turner In a bold move to innovate the healthcare industry (or completely destroy it, depending on your perspective), hospitals...
Feb 133 min read


Houston Declares Every Restaurant a Tex-Mex Restaurant After Controversy
By Juanita Spice, The Houston Throb In a bold move to settle the ongoing debate over Houston’s culinary identity, city officials have...
Jan 281 min read


Mysterious Lights Over Houston Rush Hour Leave Drivers Baffled—And Phones Useless
by Caroline Foster HOUSTON, TX —Drivers on I-45 experienced an unusual spectacle during last night’s rush hour when strange lights...
Jan 283 min read


Buc-ee’s Buys Astrodome, Plans World’s Largest Gas Station—Complete with Astroworld Replica Rides
by Petro L. Enthusiast In a move that can only be described as “peak Texas,” Buc-ee’s has officially purchased the Houston Astrodome,...
Jan 273 min read


Upcoming Hug-a-Thon Aims to Unite Texas Political Divide with Awkward Side Hugs
Sponsored by Hardee’s and Dick’s Sporting Goods, this ambitious event promises sweaty embraces, forced smiles, and free burgers. Move...
Jan 273 min read


iBaby 2027: Apple Proposes Implanting Babies with WiFi Chips for Faster Internet Speeds
By Chip Connexion, Houston Throb Tech Correspondent In a move that has both tech enthusiasts and parents scratching their heads, Apple...
Jan 263 min read


West Oaks Mall to Be Repurposed as Multi-Use “Ghostropolis”: The Future of Empty Spaces
By Mallory Clearance-Rack, Houston Throb Staff Writer HOUSTON, TX — After years of dwindling foot traffic, awkwardly silent food courts,...
Jan 263 min read


Bigfoot Mania Grips Houston: Local Expert Vows to Solve the Mystery
By Harry P. Furman, Houston Throb Cryptid Correspondent Move over traffic woes and humidity—Houston has a new mystery: Bigfoot. Recent...
Jan 253 min read


Experts Recommend Babies as Young as 8 Months Get Cell Phones: “Start ‘Em Young,” They Say
By Callie Textington, Baby Tech Correspondent for The Houston Throb In a groundbreaking (and mildly alarming) recommendation, a panel of...
Jan 253 min read


The Long Island Crackle: Lost New York Migrants Mistaken for Grackles, Now Living It Up in Katy, Texas Parking Lots
By Becky McFeathers, Avian Affairs Correspondent KATY, TX – Texans are no strangers to the sight of flocks of grackles loitering in...
Jan 253 min read


Joel Osteen Quits Ministry to Sell Hotdogs: “I’ve Always Loved Weenies”
By Holly Roller, Lifestyle and Dining Correspondent HOUSTON, TX – In a move that has left his followers shocked and confused,...
Jan 253 min read


Mattress Mack Donates Fortune to Zoolander’s Reading Center, Assures Public He’s Not a Cyborg
By Paige Turner, Literacy and Lifestyle Reporter HOUSTON, TX – Beloved Houston icon and furniture mogul Jim “Mattress Mack” McIngvale has...
Jan 253 min read


Study Confirms Texas Republicans Are Literal Snowflakes, Sparks Statewide Meltdown
By Frosty Winters, Political Correspondent TEXAS – A groundbreaking new scientific study has sent shockwaves through the Lone Star State,...
Jan 253 min read


Houston Woman Sues Ex-Boyfriend Over “Emotional Copyright” of Favorite Song
By Melody Flatline, Music Reporter HOUSTON, TX – In what legal experts are calling the pettiest lawsuit of the decade, a Houston woman...
Jan 253 min read


"Hands Up, Roll Down”: Texas Police to Train in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with Special Guest Master Ken
By Armbar Thompson, Martial Arts Correspondent AUSTIN, TX – Texas lawmakers have passed sweeping legislation requiring all police...
Jan 253 min read


Beef? Not Today: Nolan Ryan Hits a Home Run for Vegans with Plant-Based Meats
By Brie de Fromage, Food Snob Extraordinaire TEXAS – In a move that has left carnivores clutching their briskets, Texas legend and...
Jan 253 min read


Smartphone Batteries Are Secretly Programmed to Fail, Experts Say
By Buzz Killington, Tech Life Reporter In a revelation that shocks absolutely no one but still manages to ruin your day, tech experts...
Jan 243 min read


Houston Texans to Be Traded to Uranus: NASA Takes On Their Toughest Mission Yet
By Jana Vanana, Staff Writer HOUSTON, TX – In a stunning announcement that has left both football fans and astronomers scratching their...
Jan 243 min read


Houston Activists Launch BIRDS Initiative to Knit Sweaters for Feathered Friends
HOUSTON, TX – In a city-wide effort to protect local wildlife from unexpected cold snaps, liberal activists have announced the launch of...
Jan 242 min read


Houston Musician Declares New Song “Best Ever,” Mom Declares It “Worst Thing I’ve Ever Heard”
By Buster McChord, Houston Throb Staff Writer HOUSTON, TX — Local solo artist Jake Cowherd, frontman of his one-man experimental project...
Jan 243 min read
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